I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize