ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
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