How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
