when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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