my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
