Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
