i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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