I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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