i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
