even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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