i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
