I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
