I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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