I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
