haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
