I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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