Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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