Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Is Oprah even human
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
