It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Floor bacon is actually really good
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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