are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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