I cannot find my penis.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
