I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Randomize
