When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
