John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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