I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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