Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
