quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
