I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I need to align my fucking chakras
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
