i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
