Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
