He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Too much gin, very little bucket
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
