Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dignity is for republicans.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
