your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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