well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I want to be your penis for a week.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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