so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
