Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
