You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
