You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize