things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
