he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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