My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
