He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My liver just had a heart attack.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
