Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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