They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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