Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
