I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i would punch a child for taco bell
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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