would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize