I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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