non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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