New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
