Sry I called you an 8
im about as happy as oj after his trial
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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