im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
