I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Did I show you my penis last night?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
