There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
