is your mom at the bar?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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