im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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