he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
